1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
