So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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