At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i came on her dog
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
