Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
