I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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