He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
