Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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