Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
oh god the rape fog is back!
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
