new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
