she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
