She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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