The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
