You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
