I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
