Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
