I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
