Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
