His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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