last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
