Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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