if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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