Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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