I'm going to jail i love you
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
