I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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