I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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