drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
