Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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