Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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