when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
