i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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