My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
