You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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