I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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