Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My liver just had a heart attack.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
