I haven't been this sober since birth.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
