i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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