I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
