Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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