he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
