What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
