I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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