I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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