Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize