Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
this just has baby written all over it
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
