I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
