Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
