I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
