I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
