Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I know her cup size but not her name....
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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