I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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