remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
