It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
