Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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