the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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