I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
