Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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