just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
