Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
