In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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