Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
