When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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