Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
