george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
