My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
