The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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