Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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